Fatshimetrie, a series brought to you by Pulse Nigeria, takes readers into the heart of breakups by telling authentic stories of people who have loved and lost. Each story lays out the events that led to the end of their once-promising relationships.
This week, a woman bravely shares her experience in a year-long relationship, opening up about the verbal abuse and emotional manipulation she endured.
How did you meet each-other ?
We actually met online, on Facebook. He messaged me and asked me out, but I wasn’t ready to say yes immediately. We continued chatting for a while, and eventually, we decided to meet for a date. I finally agreed to a second date, and that’s how we started.
What was your relationship like at the beginning?
Things started off great. But there was an incident at the very beginning that surprised me.
One day he invited me to his house. When I arrived, he asked me a favor that took me a little by surprise. He wanted me to wash his clothes, even though we had only been dating for a short time. It seemed a little unexpected to me, you know?
He finally convinced me, and I helped him. He seemed really happy, but honestly, it threw me a little.
When did the relationship start to deteriorate?
One particular incident made me realize that things were not going well between us. I was at his house cooking when we ran out of gas. When I told him about it, his reaction was very negative. He yelled and asked me if I knew how much gas cost, which was verbally abusive and completely out of proportion to the situation. I was surprised and upset, but I didn’t want to argue, so I stayed silent. This experience made me question many things about the relationship.
The next day I casually asked about an older couple who lived in the same apartment building because they looked vaguely similar. That’s when he told me that they were his parents, but that his pastor had convinced him that his mother was a witch. He claimed that this was why he did not speak to her and why he had strained relationships with his brothers and sisters.
I tried to encourage him to reconnect with his mother, but he refused. He even got angry and said hurtful words to me, insinuating that I was siding with his mother. This whole situation was a big wake-up call for me.
How did you react to this?
I was honestly shocked. He completely broke off the conversation, saying it was none of my business. If I tried to bring it up again, he would accuse his mother of manipulating me and insist he wanted nothing to do with her.. This seemed very controlling, and it made it difficult to discuss or understand the situation.
Were there any other warning signs in your relationship?
Unfortunately, there were many others throughout the relationship. He was so insecure and toxic. He didn’t trust my friends, whether male or female, and he pressured me to cut them all out of my life. He justified this by saying that my female friends would give me bad advice and that my male friends were only looking for one thing. He was trying to cut me off from them completely.
He cheated on me and was verbally abusive. He put me and my family down, even in public. On top of that, he expected me to take care of all the household chores, cooking and cleaning, even though we weren’t married. Despite my best efforts, he would come home and say hurtful things to me, sometimes even accusing me of being manipulated by his mother. It was a very difficult situation.
Have you ever considered breaking up with him?
I questioned the relationship many times. Even though I loved him, the way he treated me was wrong. I did everything for him, taking care of the house like a wife, and yet he would come home and be abusive.
There was a turning point, however. One day he bought me a phone, but then made a comment about “paying” me with it. The phone cost ₦75,900, and I felt like my value was reduced to that amount. I was so angry I threw the phone at him and almost left. He apologized at the time, but the incident was a shock. I realized I had had enough. The next day, I left. He tried to contact me through calls and messages, even accusing me of seeing other men, but I ignored him and blocked his number.
Looking back, what do you remember from this experience and what advice would you give to anyone in a similar situation?
This experience certainly taught me some hard lessons. I learned that love should not be conditional or accompanied by insults. Know your worth and set boundaries. No one deserves to be treated like a servant or isolated from friends and family.
My advice to any woman out there is to never feel like you have to take on housewife responsibilities for someone who is not your husband. There is a difference between being in a relationship and being exploited. Don’t be afraid to leave if things become toxic. You deserve a happy, healthy relationship where you are treated with respect.